How to Eat Your Face

Haven’t been on this twitter in ages. A month to be exact. I no longer have energy to be a person or have a personality. its all business

No, no, no, no....

I’m not giving up on this blog.  Not by a long shot.  I know every other place I start writing every day and then stop and never come back.  Not happening here.

It’s not that I’ve had writer’s block or anything.  Just the opposite.  I’ve been DYING to write.  But a few things have stood in my way.  Number one, time.  I just don’t have it anymore.  Between the real job and the sports blog I hardly have enough time to spend with Coll.  Although most people won’t believe this, the reason I have just about given up on trying to learn the guitar is because I do not have the time to put into it.  So in that precious time I have to write, I write for the blog.  Because it’s the one that’s leading me to me dreams.

Number two, on-and-off carpel tunnel.  Especially when I am playing a lot of video games, which is during the NFL offseason typically.  I have it now in my left hand, it’s usually in my right, and it almost kept me from writing this.  Number three, and this one is the most important….I’m happy.  I’m happy with my marriage and my life and these blogs usually do a good job of fucking that up for me.  So I’m not going to be writing a whole bunch on here, but I did want to write today.

Specifically I wanted to write about my friend(?) Nicole.  Nicole and I were best friend since I was about 15 (I’m 24 now), minus a year or so where we didn’t talk because we were mad at each other.  Or rather, she was mad at me.  Anyways, she was invited to my wedding (exactly 10 months ago today) and we both fucked up a bit.  I did the wrong thing, knowing she was at the wedding to support me, by leaving her with all of the girls (of which she only knew Colleen, a little).  Now, I don’t think it would’ve gone over well having her sleep at the hotel with me and all the guys but it probably would’ve made sense to include her in our wedding-day activities (such as waving cars down on the side of the highway) rather than leaving her in a house of strangers to help get ready.  After 10 months I’ll admit I probably should’ve handled that differently.

However, from what I’ve been told Nicole had to nearly be restrained from doing or saying some hurtful things on my wedding day.  I’m not saying she was going to stand up during the ceremony and ruin the wedding, but during the reception apparently she had some wrong ideas about what as going on and what should’ve been done about it.  The day after the wedding we had a semi-fight by phone and then Coll had to drive her to the airport.  Since then we’ve had an argument online and no real contact since then.  Colleen didn’t say I couldn’t talk to her or be friends with her ever again, but even after I calmed down a bit I was smart enough to realize that being friends with her probably wouldn’t make my wife very happy or comfortable.

OK?  Got all that?  Remember it, because we’ll come back to that.

I’m fucked up.  I freely admit this.  Inside my head I overthink everything, say the wrong thing and generally put people off.  It’s the product of years of bad training (by me) and a pretty terrible situation involving my family, and namely my dad.  I don’t think I’m a very sexual person anymore.  I was and still am supposed to be.  But the equation of my family’s recent screwed up sexual history plus my overthinking brain equals some bad reactions when it comes to sex.  I wish I had more control over that and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t consider trying to find a therapist to help me with it.  Take that and add it now to Coll’s self-consciousness, poor self-image and one or two deep-seeded issues with sex and you’ve got a mess on your hands.  For that reason, the first six months of my marriage were not as good as most couples’ first six months.  There was fighting, there was doubt and there was coldness.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Colleen with all my heart, but at some point my brain just started seeing her as a best friend first and that’s not how it should be.  Hell, our honeymoon was so disappointing that we flew home early!  I know, I’m a fucking disgrace.

Anyways, we were right at about six months when I started getting nervous.  Colleen’s best friend during my first year in Philly was a guy named Mike.  He was an ex-boyfriend of hers.  Due to his own screwed up history and new screwed up relationship, he got freaked out and disappeared after finding out about the engagement.  About 4 months ago he showed back up, calling Coll ever few days and telling her how miserable he was with his life and his girlfriend.  This equation was two sad people in two unfulfilling relationships (at the time) and it came very close to something horrible happening, but luckily nothing did.  Colleen came home and told me everything.  After everything I did to her when we were long-distance, I had no place to be mad and told her so.  That night was probably the saddest of my life, but it turned into a long conversation where we finally admitted everything we were scared of and everything we were both doing wrong.  We decided to fix it instead of running from it, and part of that was Coll wouldn’t talk to Mike anymore.

After that, we’ve had four of the best months of our relationship.  I’m not saying there haven’t been problems and fights.  I still haven’t managed to un-fuck my own brain, but ever since it’s been like an entirely new relationship.  There’s no underlying anger or sadness.  There’s no fear that maybe we did it to quickly, maybe we are too young and maybe we are with the wrong person.  All of that stuff is gone.  We’re in this for the long haul and things have been great since we decided that.

Enter another Mike.  Colleen has two friends named Mike, both with the same area code, and for some reason neither one is in her cell phone properly.  So as she walked home from work the other day, she got a call and assumed it was the other Mike.  The good Mike.  The one with the awesome girlfriend for the past few years that I’ve never feared or been mad at before.  Mike G.  However, once she picked up the phone she realized she was wrong.  It was the other Mike.  Bad Mike.  Mike B.  She didn’t want to just hang out, so they talked for a few minutes.  When she got home she told me about it, apologizing a million times, and told me about the talk they had.  Mike had finally gotten away from his horrible girlfriend, but was still pretty depressed and lonely.  I told her to invite him over to hang out.

This led to her not really believing me.  I told her exactly what I was thinking though.  Mike B., for that first year, was her best friend and one of mine as well.  When the three of us hung out we always had a great time.  He was also a decent guy who didn’t deserve to sit all alone and hate himself.  She was worried that it’d be akward, that I’d constantly be terrified that they were doing something behind my back.  So I told her that as long as it was the three of us hanging out, I was cool.  That’s how it was before, there’s no reason why it couldn’t be that way again.  It was when things got bad that she started hanging with him without me.  Plus, we are in a much, much better place now than we were 4-5 months ago.  I know she wouldn’t leave me or cheat on me now, I wasn’t so sure before.  She asked me over and over again, stressing that it was okay if I wanted her to never talk to him or see him again, but I insisted that he come hang out.

So on Saturday, he did.  He came out and we went to a bar.  Two bars actually, closing the second one down.  Mike almost got me in a fight, as I was sticking up for him against a group of guys (who were mad that Mike was checking out one of their girlfriends).  It was a great night though.  Probably the most I’ve drank since my 21st birthday, and it took me all day Sunday to recover.  But it was good.  It was like old times.  I’m glad he came out and hope he comes out every weekend to hang out.  Maybe one day I’ll calm down and let them hang out alone, but I doubt they will anyways.  Between their two schedules the only times they can really hang are when Mike comes by on the weekends.  Anyways, it doesn’t matter.

So Colleen asked me, actually before Mike even came out, if I wanted to get back in touch with Nicole.  She said she knew that she never told me not to, but she knew I wasn’t talk to Nik because it would hurt her.  I said no.  Not because I don’t miss Nik though.  I mean, she was probably my best friend.  She was a great shoulder to cry on, funny to be around and we enjoy the same things (long stories, Indian food, etc.).  I would love to have her be part of my life because I certainly feel like there’s something missing in my group of friends without her.  However, when Coll mentioned it she said it was “like the same thing.”  And I got that.  I did even before she said it.  Colleen doesn’t object to me being friends with Nicole, it just makes her scared.  She’s scared I’d leave her for Nicole just like at one point I was scared she’d leave me for Mike.  What great newlyweds we are, eh?  That’s what happens when two mentally-screwed people fall madly in love.

Anyways, I said no because I can’t give her the same deal she did with me and Mike.  I can’t have three-way phone conversations with Coll and Nik.  Most of the time Nik and I used to talk were during my lunch breaks, so it’s not even like Coll could be here to hear the phone calls.  She would have no assurances to make her feel any differently about our friendship than she does now, which is that it makes her nervous.  She was just offering it as a thank you I guess.  It made me sad though.  I don’t want to drive Coll nuts or make her nervous, but the only way I could really be friends with Nicole again was in person.  And although our plans have shifting back to moving to San Diego in 4-5 years, after Keith graduates college, that’s still a long ways away.  Who knows if I’ll even be able to find her or get in touch with her by then?  Who knows if she won’t have moved to France or wherever by then?

Sigh.  Anyways, I’m just venting.  I had a good weekend.  I’m really happy where everything is at in my life and where it’s all heading.  But it wouldn’t be like me to not be missing somebody, something or some place.

I'm an asshole

I saw this coming.  Happens every time.  I’ve fallen in love with the writing.  For no real reason, either.  Just happens.  Which would be good if it weren’t for the fact that I was born with impatient blood in my veins.

Oh….hi, by the way.  You know how I wrote a bunch on here and stopped?  You probably think it’s because I ran out of Christina stories.  That’s not true, I have tons.  Sometimes I like to get drunk and tell them to my friends that knew me at that time in my life.  It helps them to understand why I was so fucked up.  That’s neither here nor there though, mostly because out of all of the friends I had at that point I only stay in touch with one anymore.  I think that’s true anyways.

So…the reason I haven’t been writing as much?  I’ve taken over the Chargers blog I reference before.  As in, actually had to sign a legal contract saying that I have to write a new post about the Chargers every single day.  Even in the middle of the offseason when there is fuck-all happening.  So that’s been my life lately.  Half real work (for good money, but god do I hate it sometimes) and half fake work (for very little money, but when there’s actually something going on it’s bliss).  In the mix I managed to make my wife periodically think that I’m leaving her for my computer(s).  And I’ve managed to let anyone who used to read this think that I’ve abandoned it.  Not true.  Actually, every day I have a new idea of something to write on here but then I convince myself that I don’t have enough time to do it.  Not do it right anyways.

So yeah, when I first started writing for this Chargers blog I had these faraway dreams of eventually becoming a real sports writer.  Not one in the paper, because papers are dying quickly, but maybe I could actually make enough money doing it to do it full time.  Wouldn’t that be great?  And then I left it at that.  Maybe I’ll get there one day.  Since taking over, and getting a monthly check with the added caveat of “the money goes up if you traffic goes up”, I’ve been a madman.  It’s made me even more jaded about my real job and way more crazed at the thought of not only not having a boss but of living out some of my dreams.  Having thousands of fans (yes, I’ll admit it even though it sounds horrible.  I’d love to be even semi-famous.  Who wouldn’t?) that think the same way about my writing as I think about some of my favorite writers.  Waiting for my column or book or blog post eagerly.  Refreshing the page over and over trying to get it the minute it’s ready.  That would be nice.  Not just for the admiration, but because it’s step one.

Step two is the money.  Enough to tell my boss to fuck himself.  Enough to put in the hours/effort that I want and feel like I’m not spinning my wheels.  Step three is access, I guess.  I’d like to be respected enough that whoever I write about has enough of a vested interest in what I write to actually take a part in it.  Whether that means interviews or just making friends with people I admire, I don’t know.  None of this is as clearly thought out in my head as it probably should be at this level of excitement.  All I know is that I am fucking DRIVEN like I’ve never been before and I don’t know if that’s such a good thing.  I’m driven for the job that pays me $50 a month to the point where I’m probably sacrificing something from the $60k a year job.  Somehow I justify it.

What’s funny is it’s really the first time in my life I’ve been this driven about anything really.  That passion is what has always been missing from the employment part of my life, and I think that’s true for most people.  But if all I have to do is build traffic to accomplish my dreams….why the hell not?

So what’s happened since I last wrote?  I don’t know.  I went to go see Dave from Speechwriters LLC play to a crowd of about 15 people.  I felt bad for him.  It was a good show though.  I’ve been REALLY like music lately.  I’m in one of those phases where lyrics are meaning the world to me.  Each good song I find about 5 lines that I want tattooed on my forehead.

I’ve been dreaming a lot lately too.  I forget how much I used to daydream.  Just randomly thinking of what it would be like to live in NYC or Paris or something.  What it would be like if I never left NJ.  Or if I never left San Diego.  What if my parents had moved to Alabama when they planned that?  Or Florida the year afterwards?  Would the people around me be different?

Part of that is my parents’ fault, by the way.  Why those thoughts are creeping into my head.  My parents’ house in San Diego is for sale, and no we’re not buying it anymore.  We can’t afford it right now.  But my parents need the money I guess.  Not that they’re broke or anything, but they’re trying to plan for the future while worrying about losing their income so they’re panicking a bit.  Once the house is sold they’re going to be moving to Las Vegas to get a big house with a pool in the desert for a nickel or two.  Ugh.  Not only do I hate the desert (it’s always either too hot or too dry and my lips always get cracked), but now this puts Coll and me in a weird position…..where do we move now?  Let’s run over the three options, assuming my parents move to Vegas.

1) Vegas - Nope.  First off, as I just mention, I don’t like the desert.  I don’t like the idea of staying inside all day with the windows closed and the AC blasting.  That makes me feel 80 years old thinking about it.  I like open windows, fresh air and living.  Secondly, Coll and I are still pretty sure that we eventually want to have kids.  Do we really want to raise them in “Sin City”?  What chance would they have of not winding up fucked up?  40%?  30%?  No thanks.

2) San Diego - Although we love the city and I still have some good friends there, this creates a problem with the kids.  We’d prefer to not raise them separated from all family if possible.  In this scenario my parents are in Vegas, my in-laws are in NJ and the kids are in San Diego with no family outside of their own parents.  Who would watch them when we’re melting down and need a day?  I know friends would offer, but we’d prefer family.

3) Philly - Yup.  Staying here.  It’s becoming the most likely option, although we still have 4-5 years before we move so I’m sure everything will change ten more times before that happens.  At least here we know we have family nearby, we love the city and we already have jobs and friends.

So yeah…..I’m a little depressed about it, but I shouldn’t be.  I like this city, I like Coll’s family.  I just feel abandoned by my own family and I love San Diego like no other city.  San Diego made me feel whole.  I felt like I belonged there.  That city was everything I want: perfect weather, laid back, good sports, beach, decent downtown, good people, etc.  I mean, one of the things Colleen had to tell me just to get me to move here was that we’d be back in San Diego in a year (when she graduated).  And I knew she was the girl I wanted to marry then.  That’s how much I love San Diego.  And for the first time ever it looks like I’m not going back there.  I know it’s silly, since it was at least 4-5 years away and things can still change….but that thought that I’m not headed back there anymore has got me down lately.

And yes, I’m putting it in the form of being pissed/disappointed in my parents.  Which is obviously the mature thing to do.  Okay….well I’m done here.  Off to multi-task my two jobs for the rest of the afternoon while rocking out to Stevie Wonder.  One final note: “Living For The City” is definitely my favorite song of all time.

Going to see Dave from Speechwriters #swllc tonight. IN PHILLY. Take that, Portland!

Sorry for no words as of late. Been unbelievably busy. Did I mention I have two jobs now? The second pays nothing, but it makes me happy.